单身的意义
One of the most important preconditions of a good relationship is a satisfactory perspective on being single
The more we are happy to be on our own the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion
The Bedrock of true love is Happy singledom
真爱的基石是快乐的单身生活
Unfortunately, our societies do very little to help us be calm or at ease in our own company
不幸的是，我们的社会并没有教我们如何在一个人的时候保持冷静和自在
Singleton is framed as an involuntary depressing and always hopefully temporary State
单身被描绘成一个不自愿的、绝望的，并且是希望尽快摆脱的临时状态。
The notion that someone might want or need to be on their own perhaps for a long while terrifies a world shaped by Legions of silently miserable couples who need confirmation that they have not chosen the wrong path
一个人可能想要或认为自己需要独自生活很长一段时间的想法让这个世界感到恐惧，这个世界由大量默默忍耐痛苦的夫妻组成，他们需要得到确认，证明他们没有选择错误的道路。
To enforce the idea of what single people are missing advertisers can never have enough of showing off tantalizing images of happy couples walking hand in hand on beaches
And most entertainment venues, holiday destinations, and social occasions feel compelled to patronize overcharge, and otherwise demean anyone who has the impudence to venture out on their own
大多数娱乐场所, 度假胜地和社交场合都觉得有必要对那些胆敢自己冒险的人收更多的费用，否则就会贬低那些人
Unfortunately being miserable while single fatally undermines our judgment about who we might get together with
When someone is starving they will eat anything
Dostoyevsky wrote a harrowing short story about a famished child who eats a candle made of pig fat and we’re equally liable in emotional desperation to run into the nearest nightclub to secure a chump and will be appalled to find beside us at Daybreak
We eventually learn being in an unsatisfactory relationship is clearly worse
That is even more lonely than being alone
The central challenge of being alone is coping with the fear of what singlehood means
Being alone is bearable in relation to how normal that highly nebulous yet highly influential concept the condition feels to us at any given point
孤独是可以忍受的，但这和”孤独“这种高度模糊但极具影响力的概念在任何特定时刻对我们的感觉有多正常相关。
It can either be a break from an honorably busy life or sure evidence that we are an unwanted wretched disgusting and emotionally diseased being
它可以看作是繁忙生活中的休憩，也可以用来去证明我们是一个不受欢迎的、令人厌恶的、情感上有疾病的人。
This is tricky but ultimately very hopeful for it suggests that if only we could work on what being alone means to us we could theoretically endure long periods alone.
To build ourselves a new mental model of what being alone should truly mean we might rehearse a few of the following arguments
- Despite what an unfriendly voice inside our heads might tell us, we are the ones who can choose whether or not to be alone
Our solitude is willed rather than imposed
No one ever needs to be alone so long as they don’t mind who they are with, but we do mind the wrong kind of company is a great deal lonelier for us than being by ourselves
That is, it’s further from what matters to us more grating in its insincerity and more of a reminder of disconnection and misunderstanding than is the conversation we can have in the quiet of our own minds
也就是说，它离我们真正关心的东西更遥远，它的虚伪更令人讨厌，它更提醒我们，与我们在自己内心平静的对话相比，它是一种脱节和误解
Being alone is not proof that we have been rejected by the world
独自一人并不代表被这个世界所拒绝
It’s a sign that we’ve taken a good look at the available options and have -with wisdom- done some rejecting ourselves
反而表明，我们曾经好好地审视了可以做出的选择，并且明智地选择了”不“
Another big thought is that we need to appreciate how long it will take to find someone given how choosy we are for very good reasons
We aren’t just looking for anyone
The right candidate will be no less easy to find than a great job or a beautiful house
It might take many months probably years
Expectations matter
If we regard a decade as a plausible time frame then six months we’ll Skip by
There is no better guarantee of a successful relationship than knowing that we could and can manage perfectly well on our own
It means that we will only look for someone who can deeply contribute to our life not someone who can do the laundry with us or keep us company on Sunday evenings
这意味着我们只会寻找一个可以深深地融入我们生命的人，而不是一个能和我们一起洗衣服或在周日晚上陪伴我们的人
This gives us the strength to back out of unsatisfactory unions as quickly as we should
这给了我们力量去尽早地离开一段不满意的关系
Being a couple can’t and shouldn’t mean that we are utterly reliant on the other for our self-esteem, our daily self-management or for the meeting of our domestic needs
成为一对夫妻不能也不应该意味着我们把自尊、日常自我管理或感受家庭的心理需求完全托付给对方
When we have under our belt a significant experience of thriving on our own we will be able to cope with the inevitable points at which even a very nice partner can’t sustain us
当我们拥有独自茁壮成长的深刻经验时，我们将能够应对一些即使是一个很好的伴侣也无法给予援手的坎
We’ll be less demanding , more competent and more forensic in what we seek from a lover
It turns out that our willingness to stay on our own is what centrally predicts how likely we’ll be to find and bring to fruition a relationship with someone else
Being at ease with being single is the needed secure platform from which to make a sane and wise choice about who to create a joint life with
